In Over My Head

I have a boyfriend, a dog, and a mortgage. Life is so normal it hurts.

...I never knew that everything was falling through...

I’ve been sucked dry by this world. I’ve lost my enthusiasm, my humor, my words –my voice. It’s gone and I don’t know if I’ll ever find the passion to get it back. I had such energy in my old blog. Passion, stories, experiences, I knew what life was, and now I don’t know. I am slowly starting to adjust to the mendacity of this life. Staying away from clubs. Avoiding saying anything too offensive. Softening. Trying to be ‘acceptable’ in society. Maybe make friends. Trying to be me again.

...It’s coming down to nothing more than apathy...

But who am I anymore?

...I’d rather run the other way than stay and see the smoke and who’s still standing when it clears...

My shrink says I suppressed the hurt and now it is slowly leaking out of me like water from a rusty faucet. I thought I was clever enough to cling on grimly and let my life ride out, but I certainly was wrong. The hurt twists and writhes in my stomach followed by the tears. They come and they burn like hell. They come and they don’t stop – for days. The loneliness, the hurt, the disappointments come and go and I am often too overwhelmed by it all.

...Everyone knows I'm in over my head...

I'm tired of it. Exhausted from all the adjustment and change. The constant struggle to be normal again. But I am just desperately trying to see that the hardest thing and the right thing are exactly the same.

...And suddenly I become part of your past...