Buzzed

The other evening at Anjou, I realized that I am the only one who doesn’t have one.

Whilst sipping melon martinis we chatted about work, school, shoes, and of course- masturbation. To me, I thought masturbation was more or less spending all afternoon with your holes crammed full. Straining your neck from watching yourself in the mirror. Hearing the slosh of your fingers during penetration and the pulsing twitching of my beautiful pink ring surely was enough. Was I wrong? Was there something more? I never thought anyone actually used them. I’m talking about vibrators. They all sat and giggled at me convinced me it would change my life. I was curious.

I pulled up to a full parking lot along side the highway. I sat there while the car was still running. Oh, grow up. Checked the mirror - my curls were swept up in a J Crew tortoise shell claw –no make-up. I was satisfied so I went in. The girl behind the window acknowledged me when I walked in. I was mortified. There were pornos from floor to ceiling. It was sweltering hot. I felt like I was lost in a Hedonistic jungle. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw it. A big sign hung over the cornered off section. “Novelties”.

I stood aghast at a giant wall full of multi-colored penis replicas, jittering animals, blow-up dolls, and ‘pocket rockets’. I felt hopeless. Over my shoulder I turned to find a sea of lonely men staring at me. Two young doctors offered to help me. I wanted to shrivel into the ground like the Wicked Witch. At this point I was dying to grab one and go.

There were dildos the size of small trucks and there were ones smaller than my finger. I was goldicocks and I needed to find one just right. I couldn’t believe how many there were. There was even a vibrating tube of lipstick. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was sweating and the perverted asian staring at me from the corner kept grumbling at me. I reached for one in the center and ran to the register.

“Do ya need batteries sweetie?”

“NO!” I just want to get out of here. Batteries? Wait.

“I mean yes!” I nearly deafened the girl.

The girl at the window slid me my bag through a tiny opening. I shoved my purchase into my Chloe bag and I dashed towards my car as whistles and hollers from the men inside poured out after me.

At home, I opened my package. It was teal with silver sparkles under the jelly surface. I put the batteries in and it let out a soft hum.

She found one juussst right.