Scars
I left because I was sick of it all. I wanted my life to be normal again. To sleep normal hours, to work somewhere smoke free, and to be just like any other college girl. But to be truthful, I’ve never been like anyone else. I’ve always been a bit different from my peers because of my beliefs and the way I observe life. Wealth and old fortune surrounds me, but that’s not what I want.
I remember last year it was my dear neighbor’s (and friend) 21st birthday. We flew to Las Vegas on his father’s private plane. None of us were 21, but we were gambling and drinking in his father’s hotel/casino. I won’t lie –it was a blast. But on the plane ride back home that night I realized that none of my friends were ever satisfied. Surrounded by unhappy heirs/heiresses I realized that I want more from my life than the glitz and the glamour that most people are so fascinated by.
This crazy life has led me to find a middle ground between being a spiritual zealot and a drunken asshole. Sometimes in life you have to do things that aren’t always pleasant or easy – this blog has been my sanity from that. This isn’t something I just happened upon when life is clean and perfect –packaged up neatly like a Laguna Beach episode. It’s something I look forward to everyday despite how much I screw up in life. It’s about succeeding and fucking up at the same time. My life has been one giant experiment of living – Barbra Ehrenreich on steroids. I keep doing so and as I do I will write about the unpleasant aspects of life- the parts of life “Little California” will never see.
Staying true to yourself despite all the battle wounds. Isn't that what life is all about?
posted by Dixie at 5:11 PM
1 Comments:
I can relate to what you are talking about when you say that you just wanted to get away from everything. I did the same thing. In my "old life", I was sort of a local legend of sorts and I had a bunch of friends and life in general was probably good by most standards. Then when I looked at most of my friends, I realized I didn't truly like most of them. I hated my job and realized that I was not doing what I wanted to be doing in life. Some stuff happened to make me realize all of this but when it hits you, it hits you hard.
In Buddhism, they use a term that translates into "small death". I decided I needed one of those. The whole purpose of a small death is to change your outlook on life and give you more wisdom, thus preparing you for actual death. I am not sure I totally agree with all of that but I do like the small death concept.
Anywho, I quit my job, ditched 90% of my friends, and moved away. To many people, I may as well be dead and I kind of like it that way. When I left, I did it without a lot of fanfare but with a lot of speed. To some, it was like one day I was there and the next, I wasn't.
Now, I am much happier. I keep in touch with my true friends and am more focused on being someone I am happy with and living a life that I am making for myself, not one that was made for me. It is a good feeling.
Ok, this comment is getting long. Anywho, you don't really know me but I stumbled upon your blog and I like it, so you may see comments from me occasionally. By the way, you have good taste in movies, Garden State rocked. :)
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