Past Tense
I found some old journals from last summer when I was unpacking. I saw this entry and thought it was blog worthy.
It makes me sick. I want to make a thousand reasons why I should not be with you. But you chose me in the end, but the choice wasn't clear to you. Your not knowing makes me feel uncertain about us.
I scoured for evidence to set me off. I always find something. You took her there and probably any place else you've taken me. When we went out you introduced me as your girl. You've made us common which makes me not want to be with you. That you lied to me about your status. Knowing she was in your calendar when we were together. Knowing she was called every night before you called me. Telling me you're going solo and taking her instead - it all makes me not want to have anything to do with you.
I hope you one day find this. Buried deep in my many piles of journals. When you do find this and read it you'll realize how much you really hurt me. How much it still hurts me. How unfair you think I am for not thinking you have a past. Realizing that there was a before me. I know that. However, I did not know that you brought me into your lives. That I was there when she was not and she was there when I was home. That you told me you loved me 2 weeks afer you 'officially' broke up.You still probably hold onto her. You hold on. But I hold on harder.
I don't want to be with you because of her. What more can you do so I don't feel this way? I don't know. I don't like what you have shared with her. I don't like that while you were with me you still saw her, kissed her, fucked her...I don't like your choices. I don't like that when we were US- you still kept her in your life. I don't like that now after all this time and all we've been through I still don't trust that you will never speak with her again. I don't trust. How can we be an US if I don't trust? And if I can't trust YOU then I can't trust anyone.
It makes me sick. I want to make a thousand reasons why I should not be with you. But you chose me in the end, but the choice wasn't clear to you. Your not knowing makes me feel uncertain about us.
I scoured for evidence to set me off. I always find something. You took her there and probably any place else you've taken me. When we went out you introduced me as your girl. You've made us common which makes me not want to be with you. That you lied to me about your status. Knowing she was in your calendar when we were together. Knowing she was called every night before you called me. Telling me you're going solo and taking her instead - it all makes me not want to have anything to do with you.
I hope you one day find this. Buried deep in my many piles of journals. When you do find this and read it you'll realize how much you really hurt me. How much it still hurts me. How unfair you think I am for not thinking you have a past. Realizing that there was a before me. I know that. However, I did not know that you brought me into your lives. That I was there when she was not and she was there when I was home. That you told me you loved me 2 weeks afer you 'officially' broke up.You still probably hold onto her. You hold on. But I hold on harder.
I don't want to be with you because of her. What more can you do so I don't feel this way? I don't know. I don't like what you have shared with her. I don't like that while you were with me you still saw her, kissed her, fucked her...I don't like your choices. I don't like that when we were US- you still kept her in your life. I don't like that now after all this time and all we've been through I still don't trust that you will never speak with her again. I don't trust. How can we be an US if I don't trust? And if I can't trust YOU then I can't trust anyone.
posted by Dixie at 12:45 AM
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